I had to phone a friend. There was no way my emotions were equipped to handle this alone. I grabbed my cell and hit Vanessa Barclay on my favorite's list. Impatiently waiting while the phone rang, I paced my floor.
"Hello?" A rather calm voice said quizzically.
"Hey!" I shouted into the phone.
"Hey!" She exclaimed back as if she didn't already know who was calling.
"I just need five minutes of your time..." I started. "This fool-dummy had the NERVE...the gull...the gumption....to invite me to his wedding!"
"Who?" She questioned, a bit stunned.
"Just guess!" I hollered back.
"Hmm..." I could tell she was searching for the only logical answer that would have me this upset. "Derek?" She said slowly.
"YES! Can you even believe the audacity!?" I shouted at her, unable to control my fury and my tears from escaping me.
"I am so sorry," she said softly. "Honestly, how is he even getting married? Never mind that, I guess. Whoever thinks she's won a prize with that, so be it. But why on earth would he think inviting you makes any kind of sense? Do you think it was less about thinking you'd actually come and more about throwing it in your face?" She said rummaging through the root of the issue in her head.
"Honestly, I don't even know. And I'd like to say that I don't even care, but the fact of the matter is, if I didn't care I wouldn't be this upset. It really does bother me. It bothers me that I laid down years of my life to build a bridge for a man that was not building with me but waiting for me. Waiting for me to finish building on my own. Building him up because he didn't have the tools to build himself up. Building him up because his mother didn't have the tools to do anything but tear him down. Building him up because that's what a partner does. He waited for me to finish building so he could cross me. Cross me and get to the side of life he never would have made it to without me. And now, this bridge is out of order, unable to function properly because I used so many resources to ensure that our path was complete that I didn't even think about reserving anything for myself. And now here he is, on the other side, with someone else whether she's deserving or not it doesn't even matter. He's now building WITH her and I'm here feeling broken. And it's not like this invitation is a thank you, no he doesn't have that skillset. It's a slap in the face to which I am exhausted from. It's the you were good, but not good enough card. It's the thanks for the ride, but I'm home now. And I am so angry, Vanessa. I'm so angry that if I saw his ass on fire on the side of the road I wouldn't even stop to help him put out the fire, I'd accelerate. If there were any case where he were on fire, I'd accelerate and run him over! I might even back up just so I could do it all over again." I couldn't stop the words from spraying out of my mouth. The opening was there, on the phone, with my friend in this space and I couldn't help but allow my raw emotions to free themselves from my aching heart, no matter how it sounded or looked.
Vanessa sat quiet for a few moments until the space was open and silent. And all she responded with was, "If I were in the car with you, I'd say we should roll through the carwash after!" Her tone soft, but reassuring. It was in that moment that my anger fell away and I remembered that sometimes our deepest pains can't be sutured by the one caused the bleed. Sometimes, there is no retribution. But we are allowed pain killers, that arrive in the form of friends. And while they don't heal the wound, only time and our own perseverance can master that, they do make the process bearable. And in that moment, there on the phone with tear-stained cheeks and a ripped up wedding invite in front of me, the pain was manageable and I knew eventually, I'd be okay.
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