In a daze, I sat on the couch facing the entryway. My vision had blurred definitive objects into a mess of colors. I’d zoned out from everything but the mysterious classical music that was playing softly through my TV from the menu page of the DVD that had just ended. I knew if I continued to let it loop, that the haunting image of the little boy’s face, with the curious pools of blue eyes, would burn into my plasma screen, but the notes were so alluring and inviting, I couldn’t move from the couch to stop it from repeating. As the piano keys continued to play in the background of my mind, my thoughts drifted to my adventure this weekend.
It wasn’t so much a physical adventure, as it was mental. I flashed back to where the weekend started, with random bursts of sorrowful tears. It was something I couldn’t control; yet it kept occurring. I also played out all the faces of the men that had passed through my memory this weekend. For whatever reason, my mind was determined to montage the many faces of loves and likes past, all the enchantment that had passed through in the past few years. Perhaps that’s why I continued to cry?
Recognizing how much emotion I’d given to the wrong people. But then…is there such a thing as the wrong person? For at the moment, they were right. Even in being wrong, they each taught me something that I could take with. How wrong could that be?
But then, in that memory, in those faces, I’d realized how much I’d let go of. In the past… In this weekend. In this weekend, I’d let go of some of the questions I’d been holding on to. Those deathly little whispers of, “what if” And the greatest of all was the love I’d not yet experienced; the territory unconquered. There’s no greater enemy to a new development of a relationship than my own imagination toying with the possibilities of nothing and something. My imagination is like an emotional chemist; constantly experimenting with mixing things that probably just shouldn’t go together. My imagination thrives off of the thrill in the question that is housed by the unknown.
And so today, staring into nothing; facing my entryway, as I stroked the fibers of my couch and continued to mentally sway to the piano keys…I said goodbye to the questions that had been haunting me. I reminded myself that the shadows of memories and possibilities weren’t actually unknown at all, but rather, very known. As I’d been there before…but where I hadn’t been, was where I was headed, where I was about to go.
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