Through my half sleep haze, I could hear the muffled sounds of my phone buzzing from beneath a hill of pillows. As I slid my right arm underneath the pillows, searching around for the snooze button…. or any button that would shut off the persistent noise, I tried to recall what day it was. Saturday. A sigh of relief as I realized I really didn’t have to adhere to my alarm today and could go back to sleep. My fingers gripped their destination with a vengeance and without opening my eyes I slid my finger across the screen, hoping my phone was right side up and that would silence the noise. The buzzing stopped and I rolled over only to be greeted by the sun forcing its presence against my curtains. It was so bright, that I couldn’t help but get up and look out the window. I had a habit of that, looking out my bedroom window. It didn’t overlook anything special, just grass and a mediocre outdoor scene; but I always found myself parting the curtains to glance outside in the morning.
As I stared at the grass, I became overwhelmed with emotion. It was way too early for this nonsense, yet I couldn’t grasp this inner banshee. I felt sadness, but I had no idea why. Nothing had occurred the day prior and I had only just woken with no remnants of any threatening dreams, but still the sadness lingered.
I continued looking out the window, but I wasn’t really seeing the outdoor scenery. My sight had turned inward, inside my head. I appeared to be staring off into the distance but I was searching my mind for where this sudden wave of sorrow was originating. As I was sweeping my mental for any trace of a culprit, I tuned into the faint buzzing again. Rolling my eyes, I turned away from the window and peered at the multiple pillows; the buzzing continued. I plopped back down on my bed and jabbed my left hand underneath the pillows, feeling around for the source of the buzzing. I grabbed the phone and pulled it to my face to see him staring back at me. It was my boyfriend’s picture. I’d assigned one of him leaning against this brick wall and it was so simplistically pleasing. He looked more than gorgeous and every time he called, I felt a moment of weakness. Only, as I stared at the screen this morning, I wasn’t smiling. I didn’t feel weak. I actually felt my heart sink a bit and I didn’t move to answer his call. I just stared at the screen and watched the phone ring two more times and then flip to my missed call screen.
I paused for just a moment and then lay the phone, face down, on my comforter. That was it, it was him; he was making me feel dismal. And as I begin to go back to searching my mind, I then remembered the night before; my friend had attended a benefit that his ex was hosting. I remembered seeing her post about it and as she uploaded pictures from the event, there she was. Completely and entirely nothing like me. Which made me curious as to how two women so very different could attract this same man. I begin to become consumed by my curiosity and like any well groomed lady brought up on social media, I went to investigate. I went to collect more data to form my opinion. I went to her Facebook page. I started to study her pictures, her smile, how her eyes lit up in some shots. I even checked out her inspiring quotes and then became sad. It wasn’t because she was more attractive than me nor was it because I thought her more intelligent. I didn’t know the gal. But it was me remembering all of the stories from the ‘Ex-files” and how they’d had this whole entire life together. Their apartment, their fights, their laughs, and accomplishments; they’d shared in so much together. But then again, whom these days haven’t? Which made me think…
I begin to wonder if I ever made anyone I’d dated feel curious or feel shadowed by my ex, any of them. I then recognized that I’d felt this feeling before, this great “legend” to live up to; these men with their exes. Even if they hated them at the current state, they still had these lives they’d created at one point. You begin to wonder if anything they’ve said to you is original. You begin to wonder if you’re standing in the way of reconciliation. You simply begin to wonder. Which is where I was lost in at the moment. Lost in wonderland, wondering of things I couldn’t possibly obtain answers to. Yet, one thing was for sure, I was ready to be with someone who made everyone else curious about how amazing I was, as oppose to wondering about amazing lives past, that these men had had with their exes.
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